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Common Consanguinamory Mistakes

On this page you’ll find some of the mistakes you can make in a consanguinamorous relationship even if you are honest, compassionate, and have good intentions. Building a stable, happy consanguinamorous relationship is not always intuitive, and there are mistakes you can make along the way no matter how good your intentions are. Ideally, you should seek to learn from other people’s mistakes rather than your own – it’s a lot less painful.

Don’t make assumptions about your partner or your relationship; talk about everything

There are many people who don’t like talking about relationship stuff, or they see it as a tedious or burdensome chore. This problem with that is that you can easily end up in a place where you think you’re at some place in your relationship with your partner, and your partner has a completely different idea. It’s much easier and less dramatic to find that out by talking with your partner than by inadvertently crossing a line you didn’t even know existed. Be clear up front about you expect from your partner and make sure you get a clear understanding of what your partner expects from you, and you’ll both be a lot happier.

Accept responsibility for the consequences of your actions—even the unintended consequences

The law of unintended consequence is as universal as Newton’s Third Law of Motion, and it’s quite capable of completely messing up and ruining your romantic relationship.

Your choices and actions have consequences for you and your relationship, and you bear the responsibility for those consequences even if you believe your decisions were justified and appropriate, and even if you feel like the rules of your relationship permitted your actions.

This is most likely the most important factor that determines the success of any relationship, consanguinamorous or not. Everything you do will affect your relationship with your family member or relative, sometimes in obvious way and sometimes in more subtle ways. It’s best to be conscious and mindful of the consequences of your choices as well as for the reasons you make them.

Don’t start a consanguinamorous relationship if your existing familial relationship with that person has problems

Consanguinamory is not a way to repair or evade problems in your existing familial relationship with that family member. In fact, problems in a familial relationship with someone will turn into problems in a consanguinamorous relationship if you try to make your relationship with them more intimate. If you and your sister aren’t on speaking terms, or if your mother tries to manipulate you, or if your dad is irresponsible by drinking too much, then adding sex to the picture will just make things worse.

If your familial relationship with a family member or relative is facing difficulty, that is not the time to be starting a consanguinamorous relationship with him or her. Doing so is likely to create problems in the consanguinamorous relationship and exacerbate the problem.

Don’t try to force your relationships to fit a predefined mold

When someone is interested in starting a consanguinamorous relationship with a sibling or other relative, sometimes the temptation exists to fit that relationship into predefined form.

Like any kind of romantic relationship, a consang relationship may fail if the people involved in that relationship try to force it to fit some predefined mold, rather than allowing the relationship to grow develop in whatever direction is natural.

A valuable tool is to treat the relationship as though it has three components: 1) the needs of the first person involved, 2) the needs of the second person involved, and 3) the needs of the relationship itself. Often, the relationship itself acts like a third, independent entity, and it’s wise to listen to the needs of the relationship as well as the needs of the two people involved.

Have the courage to put your foot down

This can be a very difficult lesson to learn.

While we may love our family and relatives, not everyone makes an ideal match for each other. Often, we may want to do things to make our partner happy, even if we have to sacrifice our own happiness to get there.

This can work in the short run, but it usually causes pain and hardship in the long run. Listen to your inner voice, it’s usually right. If something is bothering you, speak up about it. If you find something to have crossed a line and is completely unacceptable, say so! Even if you think it’s irrational, your partner should be willing to listen to what you have to say about it.

Speaking about being irrational:

Don’t expect human beings to be rational all the time

All humans are irrational, especially when it comes to love, feelings, and relationships. This is part of our inherent nature, and irrational responses are part of who we are as humans, these things cannot be addressed logically.

You might find some of your lover’s actions or emotions to be irrational, and this isn’t necessarily bad. Love is not rational.

Remember that you’re not always rational either. Maybe you got straight A’s in your First Order Logic course in college, but we are not all born logicians, and even math geniuses become irrational when they fall in love. So it’s best not to attack, criticize, or scold your partner for behaving emotionally. Don’t expect your partner to always act with reason and logic. It’s not going to happen.

When your partner becomes irrational, it’s best to stay compassionate and respectful, even if you disagree with what your partner says or does. Practice loving speech and deep and compassionate listening, and treat your partner’s feelings with respect and kindness. Seek to understand why your partner feels the way he or she does. Often, there may be some underlying reason that is not immediately obvious. If you want to address the feeling, its often necessary to learn and find out where it is coming from.

It’s important to remember that all of your partner’s feelings are important. When you address any problems, try to understand what your partner is feeling and why.

Develop good communication and conflict resolution skills

This one is worth repeating since it’s so important. Talk honestly with to your partner all the time about everything. Even if you can’t be completely honest while in front of others, for example around people who know you’re related, its best to find time and space to talk one-on-one and be completely open and honest with each other.

Talk with your partner before making life-changing decisions

Partners should include each other when it comes to huge life-changing decisions. Big announcements of significant alterations in one’s life can make one’s partner feel alienated.

Take it slow

There is no such thing as instant consanguinamory. You don’t have to have sex on the first date, and don’t try to move into your brother’s apartment on the second date. And don’t call it a relationship until you’ve actually been together as partners for a while, not just as family members. Do your best to let things grow and develop naturally, and build something that will last.

Consanguinamorous relationships are not very different from non-consanguinamorous relationships, and the beginnings of any relationship are usually when they are most risky. Don’t move too fast.

Listen to the little voice in your head

In consanguinamorous and non-consanguinamorous relationships alike, an easy mistake to make is to ignore the little voice in your head. At times your emotions may tell you one thing even if your mind is telling you something else. It’s good to listen to your feelings and heart when it suggests something might be wrong, even if you can’t determine a logical reason why.

Even if you can’t find a logical reason for why something it wrong, that doesn’t necessarily mean everything is OK. It’s wise to start by assuming the little voice in your head is warning you about something you’re not yet consciously aware of, and then dive deeper to figure out what that might be.

The little voice isn’t always right, of course. Sometimes it makes mistakes. But don’t ignore it just because it’s not rational.

Embrace change

Relationships are composed of living, breathing, dynamic people who change over time, and so the relationship also changes over time. No healthy relationship is going to stay fixed and unchanged for all time.

As long as you are willing to commit to the idea of changing in ways that include your family member or relative, and you are willing to work with him or her as your life changes and evolves over time, you’ll be alright.

Don’t assume every problem you encounter is related to consanguinamory

When people are involved in any kind of unconventional relationship model, it’s sometimes tempting to blame every problem encountered on that model. This can be particularly true in consanguinamory, where it might be easy to blame the consanguinamory for whatever the problem is you may encounter – “If we weren’t related, we wouldn’t have to deal with this!”

But that’s not necessarily so. Even conventional relationships face their fair share of challenges and turbulence.

Isolating the root cause of the issue, rather than simply blaming the problem on consanguinamory, is a great way to resolve conflicts and relationship difficulties.

Be proactive

This is good advice for anyone, not just consanguinamorous people. Being proactive is all about taking responsibility for your life. Your life doesn’t just “happen” by accident. Whether or not you’re aware of it, your life is shaped by the choices you make. You choose happiness. You choose sadness. You choose courage. You choose fear. The choices are your own. Every situation and every moment presents you with a new choice which gives you an opportunity to make different decisions that lead to greater joy, happiness, and fulfillment.

People who continually choose to be proactive recognize that they are “response-able”. Proactive people don’t blame genetics, circumstances, society, or conditioning for their behavior. They know they’re in charge of their own lives and the decisions they make. Reactive people, on the other hand, are usually greatly affected by the things around them and find external forces to blame for their behavior. If the weather is good, they feel good. If the weather is bad, it negatively affects their mood and behavior and they blame it on the weather. We respond to all of these external forces. Between the stimulus and the response is our greatest power – the freedom to decide how we respond. Some of your most important choices are in what you say, and your language is a good indicator in how you see yourself. Someone who is proactive uses proactive language – I can, I decided to, I will, I prefer, etc. Someone who is reactive uses reactive language – I can’t, I was forced to, I have to, if only. People who are reactive believe they have no choice and blame others for what they say or do.

Rather than worrying about stuff they can’t control, proactive people focus their efforts on things they can control. The challenges, issues, and opportunities we all face fall into two areas — the Circle of Concern and the Circle of Influence.

Proactive people focus their time and energy on their Circle of Influence and work on things they can control, such as health, developing good communication and conflict resolution skills, spending time with their children, and addressing problems at work. People who are reactive focus their time and energy in the Circle of Concern — things over which they can’t do much or anything about, such as the national debt, terrorism, and the weather. When we become mindful of the areas in which we spend our time and energy we make a huge step in becoming proactive.

Make sure your actions match your intentions

This is a valuable rule to apply to any relationship, but it’s particularly important in a consang relationship. Conduct yourself so your actions are in alignment with your intentions and values. If you value wisdom, for example, then be mindful of how you spend your time and focus your efforts on gaining new knowledge and insight that will lead to greater wisdom. If you value health, for example, then be mindful of the food you put into your body and how much you exercise, and ensure you are eating healthy and exercising regularly. Determine what is really important to you and what your intentions are. Begin with the end in mind, and then put first things first. Live your life according to your values.